Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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