My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
