my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
