Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
