the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
