wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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