ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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