Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
