I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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