Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
