On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
