Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
