Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
