we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
