I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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