He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
