I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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