Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
