I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
