How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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