You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
