dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
