when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
