About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
