I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Come on in and take your pants off
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