chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
