You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
40s are totally the cure
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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