dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
