True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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