Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
