You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
