At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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