I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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