First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
