Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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