I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
