she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
