if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
This is not my ceiling
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
