that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
