I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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