I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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