Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
