she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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