Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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