i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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