Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
