I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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