dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
