there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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