If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
